Lesson of the Day: Authentic Leadership

Of late have been doing a few posts that on teh surface appeared to be about personal relationships. That is part was done because most people can relate to them when they are worded in such a way as to make them personally identifiable. and relate-able.

I will expand on those posts I did here and on facebook using a personal story. Not that long ago I held an elected position. I was one of the people who developed the processes and criteria for that position. I presented my platform and my peer presented theirs. People also told me that they planned to vote for me. Come time I lost the election. Yet, how can you loose an election when people committed to vote for you unless they either misstated their intent or simply did not live up to their commitment?

When I lost I congratulated the winer and remained silent. There were people who came to me afterwards stating if that happened to them they would have made a loud noise regarding the outcome to which I responded - why? Had I behaved in that manner it would not have affected te outcome and would have sent the message that I disrespected the very process I helped to create. Later some of the people who did not vote for me approached me for help stating that the person they selected who told them what they wanted to hear was not living up to their commitment to them. My response was simply that I cannot help them because it is not my place or responsibility to do so and that they should hold the elected person accountable for living up to the expectations of their office. This was done because as a leader it is my responsibility even having lost the elections to help people understand they must accept the rewards and consequences of their decision so that next time out they will make a more educated choice. Sometimes when we attempt to make everything right or fix everything we do more damage then good. Ironically, over time many of those people ended up loosing their positions.

What did I do:

• Respected the process that was put in place
• Acknowledged and respected the choice of the constituents
• Held the people accountable to their choices

Too often people go for what they want to hear instead of listening for and doing what they need to for their own best interest. Also, people are shocked when they make those choices others accept them and all that the choice entails.

The lessons to be learned are:

• Listen carefully to what you are being told
• Observe the behavior of those making the commitments
• Always be consistent in what you promise to do
• Hold yourself and those connected to you accountable for their words and actions
• Education people but respect then enough to allow them to make their own choices
• Understand that you are not above the process (law)
• People's lives and business are not a game - do not play

Feel free to add anything else you feel of benefit.

Characteristics of potential partners to avoid (business, dating, friendship, or marriage)

"You can tell how much a person values and respects you (and themselves) by the degree they are willing to inconvenience themselves, be loyal to and respect you" - the late Lionel Spearman, Sr





While I am writing about business in general many of these are universal and can be used in your personal life also

Characteristics / Traits of people to avoid

• Liars
• Thieves
• Cheaters
• Seeks only playmates
• Never says thank you
• Never asks your opinion
• Never says you are right
• Never asks how can I help you
• Agree with you all of the time
• Tell you what you want to hear
• Their way is the only “right” way
• Never says I am sorry or I was wrong
• Avoids being in public or widely known
• Gets upset when no one can read their mind
• Assumes they know what is best for everyone
• Their own opinion is the only one that matters
• Nothing is ever their fault (excuse for everything)
• Never has anything constructive or positive to say
• Will add their opinion on any topic even if not asked
• Focuses on everything you or someone else did wrong
• Confuses objective observation with subjective opinions
• Achievements of others solicits a negative often critical reaction
• Pushes you away and blames you for not staying or claims you pushed them away
• Disrespectful (i.e. - cursing you, calling you stupid, yelling at or arguing with you)
• Is quick to tell you everything they have done good for others but never what they have done bad or wrong they learned from
• Manipulative (i.e. uses word tricks so instead of saying here is what I did wrong and need to work on instead say here is how it is their fault I did this)

Two simple real life examples:

• a person who you are dating cheats on you with someone else then blames you for not paying enough attention to them or the other person for tempting them
• a person you entrusted to run your business stole money then blamed it on you or some circumstance and never asked you for help

If you don’t make a total commitment to whatever you’re doing, then you start looking to bail out the first time the boat starts leaking. It’s tough enough getting that boat to shore with everybody rowing, let alone when a guy stands up and starts putting his life jacket on.- Lou Holtz

Why do people argue?

"One of the first things a relationship therapist learns is couples argue to burn up energy that could be used for something else. Arguments often serve the purpose of using up energy, so the couple do not have to take the courageous leap into an unknown they fear. Arguing serves the function of being a zone of familiarity which you can retreat when you are afraid of making a creative breakthrough" - GAY HENDRICKS

Disclaimer – I am not a mental health professional and the information shared on this blog is not intended on any level as advice nor counsel.

A favorite saying of my father was “You were given two eyes, two ears and one mouth for a reason!” To this day people find it hard to believe my parents never argued. I know talking to my brother and people who deal with me are shocked that neither of us argue for really my whole family for that matter. We had discussions and on occasion disagreements yet we never argue

Too often I have seen people arguing over what often amounts to nothing and have wondered why? My opinions are people argue to avoid dealing with the root causes and enabling them to deceive themselves into thinking I tried something and was unsuccessful when in reality they intended to do nothing so expended enough energy to facilitate them not having to change or grow

People argue to:

• Avoid change
• Blow off steam
• Protect their egos
• Avoid personal growth
• Distract from the real issue
• Deny another idea has merit
• Maintain the illusion of control
• Facilitate remaining in their comfort zone
• Discredit or devalue another person or people

People do it, Couples do it, Politicians are doing it in DC now

• Who benefits from arguing?
• How does arguing lead to a resolution or solution of the problem?
• If both people are focused on being in control or degrading the other what is accomplished?
• If both people or everyone involved is arguing then who is listening and even trying to understand, empathize and relation to the motivation or reasoning of the other person or people involved?

What do you think?

Make up your own mind

I remember so often my mother would lecture me about the people I used to associate with and date. To her credit she was right about the people I dated but wrong about the people I associated with and call friends. My mother and Aunt would lecture my late cousin Richard and I about dating beneath us and not being more discriminating about the people around us. However while I love mother there are issues best left unsaid as to why I did not head all of her suggestions. People who know me know I do not use the word love lightly and it is rare I say I love someone and people I respect have earned it over time.







My mother is a brilliant woman. I remember growing up she worked on her MS and though she never has done dissertation she has everything else she needs for a PhD. Watching her I learned you can approach life one of two ways – do what is easiest short term and pay for it long term, or do what is challenging short term to benefit long term.

That aside the benefit of not listening to everything my mother told me is that I have friends and associates ranging from age 15-80 who I respect and admire. My friend and associated bridge every gender, gender preference, ethnic group, profession and country and range from HS dropout to PhD and MDs. I know I can trust them and listen to their advice and believe me most of them will freely share it. I have couples who are now divorced that I am friends with both still because I refused to pick a side.

How did this happen – simple – I make up my own mind. I do not let someone else’s opinion or even my old baggage dictate who I associate with or who is my equal – in fact everyone starts and is spoken to as if there were my equal in all things and they by their words and actions decide if I am a person of value or not. For those who decided I was not of value the lesson learned was a person can hold you in no higher value than they do themselves and if they are not willing to sacrifice for themselves or respect themselves enough to challenge themselves to grow and change or prefer to meet the status quo and be entertained then they will not hold you in any higher value and often discard you as soon as you become inconvenient.

One of the things I do is listen very closely to what is being said and I ask

• How does what they are saying affect them?
• Does it make someone else look bad?
• Does it make someone else look good?
• Do they have a need to control others and tell them what to do and how best to do it?
• Do they have a superiority or inferiority complex?
• Are they telling me about someone to help me or so they do not have to share me?
• Does what they are saying benefit me or benefit them?

I also watch how they treat animals. children and people who can do nothing for them very closely!

I have learned that my friends were the ones who more often than not

• Tell/told me about the good things others (not themselves) are doing!
• Are quick to admit their failing and shortcoming!
• Do not place blame on others!
• Will say things that are sometimes upsetting to me!
• Tell me things for my own good which sometimes are to their own detriment!
• Are humble and listen!
• Are secure in who they are and the choices they made in life!
• Offer suggestions that usually revolve around how I can better respect the thoughts and opinion of others!
• Do not believe there is the best or only way nor have a great need to control others!
• Believe they have a full time job working on themselves!
• Often have experiences great loss or tragedy in their life!
• Are not vary materialistic (despite some of them being comfortable financially)!

In college I remember a young lady I dated. Her friend told her all kinds of bad things about me and what I was doing – she listened – what she never realized is that her so called friend did that so she would break up with me and once she did that same friend hit on me – so what was her motivation?

Some time more recently I had a good friend who told me you are pissing these people off, while what you are saying may be right and true you need to shut up and stay far away from them. Pissed me off. There was no benefit for his telling me that – I listened – those same people eventually self destructed but they did not take me with them.

Here are the questions for the day to ponder

• How secure are you with yourself?
• Are you willing to grow into the person you need to become to progress in life?
• Do you think for yourself?
• Do you let fear control you?
• Do you have an open or closed mind?
• Do you let the past cloud your present?
• Do you allow others to dictate your life choices?
• Do you make excuses to justify your not achieving?
• Do you rejoice in the achievements of others or do you wish It was you?
• Do you function within a comfort zone of what is familiar that you feel you can control?
• Do you look at the facts and make objective observations from which you draw conclusions based what repeated behaviors through first hand experience or do you make up your mind first and then quickly find the circumstance to let you say "see I was right!"

Why do I bring this up – because I have more than one friend/associate who blew me off and later came back to make peace with me because they followed the people who told them what they wanted to hear at the time and they paid a price (my friendship aside).

What I am hoping is that this will cause some of you to think and if nothing else not repeat my mistakes or theirs! Also I share this because if you want to be a business owner (an entrepreneur) you must if nothing else have your own mind and not be afraid to totally abandon your comfort zone!

Emotional Maturity

My thoughts about Tiger Woods

So many are discussing all of the circumstances around his actions of late and to me at least the core issues are not being discussed or at least not the ones I think should be:

• Incorrect priorities - instant gratification, adoration and pleasure was more important than the commitment to his partner
• Instead of focusing on what he had - a loving wife and children the focus was on what he felt is was missing
• Breach of agreement - when the wedding took place certain promised were made which in business terms constituted a breach of agreement
• Not fulling grasping the nature of his position - what man people who seek positions of fame, prominence or influence forget is that these roles in life come with a price and one must be willing to accept that people will look to you as an example and that any mistake you make will be magnified for some to make themselves feel better by devaluing you and others because their faith in you and hopes of finally finding a worthy role model were destroyed

How could this have been avoided - what is the solution (note: this are only my opinions)?

• Focus on your goals - what is important and them ask yourself how this person or action moves you toward your aspiration (if they are a destructive influence remove yourself)
• If a person is a sex addict much like an alcoholic for some the only way to deal with the problem is never to put yourself in a position of temptation (like waling into a liquor store). In the case of a sex addict one would avoid being in situations alone with anyone other than your family.
• In business contracts are agreements stating the base line expectation which ideally your conduct will exceed such that the paperwork is redundant and never needed - same in a marriage - a person should strive to conduct themselves in such a way the agreement is never examined or brought into question
• Focus on what you have. Too often people complain about things that do not really matter and overlook what is important. Let me put it this way which person is more beneficial Person 1 - fun to be with, great at parties, says all of the right things in public, makes you laugh, great sex, is exciting, undependable, disrespects you , breaks commitments, complains about what you are not doing for them, is self absorbed, does nothing to help you and upon closer examination leaves a path of destruction behind them. Person 2 - Loyal, respects you, is willing to inconvenience themselves for you to have what you need, acts in your mutual best interests, keeps their obligations to the best of their ability, tries to take an active interest in what you are doing, edifies you where possible and always treats you will respect because they are interested in your well being vs what you can do for them.

I could go on however I think you get where I am going - the topic being discussed while never addressed directly to me is a matter of emotional maturity.



An underlying question that is not discussed but I will bring up is the self image of ethnic minorities - could it be possible that the actions were in part due to the fact on some level despite all of the hard work there was a feeling of being unworthy so instead of focusing on the root cause and resolving because they were unaware situations were created to self sabotage and make their life better match their self image - just a thought to ponder.


These are my thoughts - what are yours?

I will close with this thought:

1. If you are a person lacking integriety the rules do not matter
2. If you are a person of character the rules do not matter

The only difference between the two is in the first society will hold you accountable where as in the second you hold yourself

Business, Fidelity, Sex and Strategy

What do:

• Tiger Woods
• Enron
• Worldcom
• AIG
• GM
• Chrysler

all have in common (this may take a while and is a long post and near the end I hope I have pulled it all together and would like to know your thoughts.)

Sex - so often the focus of many and for some a goal and a mean unto itself. Some would argue it is a powerful driving force and the reason many things happen in this society, some an evil and still others nothing more than a powerful tool designed to allow our species to survive via reproduction. BTW - I will add this personal editorial - I do not believe in race as it is often misused in our society because it implies various species and in nature different species cannot reproduce a Homosapian can not breed with a monkey or horse or bear because they are not the same species, people regardless of ethnic group are all members of the same species.

Ok, back to point - there has been much discussion of late on infidelity and sex in the media having listened and read so many comments I felt the need to comment. Growing up often I felt something was wrong with me because I did not have the same drive or libido of most and then it occurred to me that there was nothing wrong with me rather that as people we each are unique and there are people with whom sex or the urges is a focus of their life there are others with whom it matters little. This is no different than the fact I tend to be very analytical in my thoughts and approaches while there are some are more emotionally centered. No one is right and we should not try to change who we are to fit some preconceived mold of what others think we are.

Lets look at sex and fidelity and then tie it to business. Sex is a natural part of the human condition a drive and yet as people we have the intellect to make (albeit not without shortcoming or occasional failures) the ability to decide the people we will engage. it is a tool that while intended to continue our species also can either support, enhance and build trust or abused can decimate those same characteristic in a relationship. For some it is am outward expression of a person's feelings for their partner and for others it is a tool used simply for self gratification and its use is defined by the dominate characteristics of the people using it. That said lets explore this - often people put themselves in positions of high risk some knowingly because their thoughts are only of self gratification with no regard to the long term consequence or how their actions may affect the people involved with them on an intimate level (not to be confused with an assumed sexual involvement). Unless specified otherwise most people assume relationships to be exclusive and to become involved with others sexually is a violation of the trust placed in you as well as your ability to keep you r commitment. Heck, fact is for some their desire is the sex and short term gratification with little care of regard to the long term consequences it may have on the other people because it is not about the quality of the relationship but the quantity of the sexual encounters and the person who is the participant is not that important. For others it is a tool to they use (regardless of sex) to exploit and attempt to manipulate or control others. The first two focus on self and these with these in your mind I will transition to business.

Let me ask some rhetorical questions for you to consider:

• Would you buy a car from a dealer who promised you a certain make and model and them sold it to someone one repeatedly?
• Would to put your money in a bank who made a commitment to have your money available but each time to check the balance or tried to make a deposit or withdrawal found your funds were depleted because the bank thought a company trip or party was a better use of the money?
• Would you take on a business partner who make commitments to you but each time you looked to them to deliver on the commitments they made they failed to deliver and yet found plenty of time to play or knock off but never any time to work?
• Would you invest in an employee who thought as the emplyer it was your responbility to support with without them somehow contributing to the well being of the company?
• As a comporation would you retain a desity manager who thought their job was to discourage the development of introduction of new business who spending the company money to attend conferences and entertain themselves?

Entrepreneurs understand one thing almost universally - the easy past, the fun and entertaining one often is rarely the best. Conforming to the lowest common denominator instead of striving to be and achieve the best in the best mutual benefit or all involved is at best counter productive at worst mutually destructive. Regardless of the application in one's personal or business life character (not pleasure) is what we appreciate and respect. Consider this - in your life who stands out - those people who agreed with everything you said and gave you everything you wanted or those who did and acted in your best interest even if sometimes that meant depriving you of (per your preconception of the time of an experience). A child feels heat and wants to stick their hand in a fire the adult knows the damage that can cause depending on exposure and discourages the action and too often for this the adult is chastised. Taking a different example while not getting to deeply religious Jesus Christ, Gandhi, Mohammad, Sun Tzu, Martin Luther, The Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King, and many others are remember and respected not for their ability to conform and blend in to the status quo but are respected because they strive to achieve something more and did not subscribe to conventional wisdom.

• Can you name Romans who stood around in Christ's time telling him he was wrong?
• Can you name the people who told Steve Jobs Apple was a pipe dream would never work?
• Can you name the people who told Michael Dell the ideal will not work?
• Can you name the people who laughed at Bill Gates and Microsoft?
• Can you name the people who told Colin Powell he would never be a General?

Status quo is easy. Doing what everyone else does is easy. Following our instincts to think of self first with no regards to others is easy.

Let me close with this thoughts to tie it all together:

• What do you think would have occured with Enron if instead of tring to exploit their customers, employees and investors they asked - how would this benfit the company long term and will this decision contribute to or take aware from the reputation and financial stability of the company long term?
• What do you think would have happened with GM if they asked the question - how would this decision affect the company, it reputation and profitability and are we truly listening to and providing our customers with the goods and services they want?
• What do you think would have happened with AIG if they adopted the attitude of we exist to bring value to the clients who entrust their moneys with use and lived up to their vision: To be the world’s first-choice provider of insurance and financial services. We will create unmatched value for our customers, colleagues, business partners and shareholders as we contribute to the growth of sustainable, prosperous communities.

Some more thoughts to consider:

• How many times have to said something in anger and felt good at the moment only to realize in hindsight your action irreparably damaged and cost you a relationship?
• How many times have you looked at a bigger house or a car and wanted that even (while extreme) cursing or bad mouthing the person who had them not even knowing if they could afford them while forgetting about the fact your needs were taken care of?
• How many times have you begrudged the work that you had thinking this is beneath me or I am unhappy forgetting that you had your health, employment and the ability to do the work and earn some income (the dignity of honest labor)?

What do you think?

• Is a relationship about personal gratifacation and explotation regardless of the cost or damage to the others involved so long as it allows a person to derive personal short term benefit and pleasure or to bring mutual benefit with effort to everyone involved to varying degrees?
• Does a business exist to make money by exploit share holder, employees, and clients/customers or does it exist to create values, worth and wealth to varying degrees to all of this constituents?

Which is the the most constructive and sustainable?

Bias and Prejudice and other limiting and self limiting behaviors

We all have bias and prejudiced and fact is never is this truly a positive trait. In larger society often rules were changed to subjugate whole ethics groups or arbitrarily assign characteristics to people (often negative) to justify a false sense of superiority. In the case of CEOs and C level executitives it manifested itself via a sense of entitlement thinking that despite the poor performance of the respectictive company they were someonhow due large compenation. With respect to individuals and especially business owners it causes them to pursue courses of action that are familiar even if they are not productive or positive.

Bias, prejudice and so many other things are a tool people use to avoid change and thus negate growth. How often have you in the case of ethic bias witness rules being changed to exclude with no regard or effort made to determine if the individual or group of individuals can or should be excluded and were never given a chance to see what they could achieve. A classic example of this to me was Jim Crow where politicians used fear as a basis of decisions and yet when we look at the factis historicially is it not ironic that during that same period of time many of the colleges and univerisities we now enjoy were founded with the help and in some cases the leadership of the very people subjugated.

Bias allows us to discard and discount fact and make choices to justify decision we have already made instead of allowing the facts to dictate the choices. They allow us to be exclusive instead of inclusive, to be destructive instead of constructive. In relationships they allow us to discount and destroy what is good for us and best long term because it is not what we think we want short term.

Some more tangible examples:

• The child who is stopped from putting their hand on a hot stove
• The adult who decides to work because they need money now instead or are not capable of completing college
• The advisor who decides African Americans are not capable mentally be being scientists or engineers
• The person who discounts someone because they are not a member of their particular ethnic group
• The person who prefers play or work or who wants the reward but is unwilling to pay the associated cost
• The person declining to even attempt to learn a little of another language
• The person who believes themselves better than others thus closing the option to learn from people whose ideas may offer more merit or in fact be more sound
• The person who believes because you do not look like me you cannot possibly understand

Lets apply this to business and how entrepreneurs use some of these tactics to self sabotage.

What do you think about this topic - the Fear of Change!!!

Self Sabotage - what is it and how to address

So often we are the authors of our own shortcomings setting ourselves up for failure and stealing defeat from the jaws of victory. Here is a simple concept - until you deal with the hate you have of yourself you will typically always do yourself harm - further if you hold prejudice, bias or hate for another that is also most likely a projected form of self hatred which will lead to sabotage because we were never allow ourselves to have any more than we think we are worthy of and deserve and if we hate ourselves we will look for reasons and continue behaviors over and over again that lead to our demise.

Where are you going?

Are you happy:

• What do you want to accomplish?
  
• Can you quantify it?
  
• Why are you doing it?
  
• What is your vision?
  

http://billfitzpatrick.com/

Personal Responsibility (Failure and Success)

If you are not responsible when things go bad then who is responsible when things go well? So often we live up or down to the expectation we set of and for ourselves and/or project onto other people. 

If we:

• like ourselves we assume everyone like us.
• hate ourselves we assume everyone hates us 

People so often create the situations and circumstances to reinforce and reflect the inner opinions they hold of themselves albeit business, money, relationships, family, etc. The terms often used to describe these behaviors are

• Self fulfilling prophecy
• Psychological projection 

These are neither bad nor good rather what they are depends on who and what you are at the core so are you 

How is your character best described

• Good / Evil
• Honest / Dishonest
• Respectful / Disrespectful
• Hard working / Lazy
• Responsible / Irresponsible
• Faithful / treacherous
• Diligent / Unfocused
• Mature / Childish
• Intelligent / Stupid
• Patient / Impatient
• Giving / Selfish 

Links to video is you want to see more 

• Self Sabotage 
• Self Control 
• Personal Accountability