Have been giving thought lately about friends. (Funny where you mind goes when you are sick and resting or in a ditch on the side of the road.)
The people I call friends are mostly battle tested standing by me when others walked away. Further often they piss me off, not because they are evil rather because they tell me what I need to hear and not what I want to hear!
How do I know? Because they will not benefit regardless, especially if I did what they asked – fact is often by telling me what they did they actually risked loosing a friend if I was the superficial, insecure, egotistical type (not to be confused with hypercritical or manipulative – totally different). Sometimes they commented on my observed behavior – painful to hear yet true.
Who are your friends?
How long have you known them?
How do you quantify then?
Do/would you trust them with your life?
If it is true that your friends are your mirrors – what do your mirrors collectively say about you?
Once again its Christmas and I was thinking what gift I can give to everyone and it dawned on me the one thing I can give is a gift so often overlooked and that is a simple thank you!
Thank you for all you have done and for your encouragement and support. Thanks to all my friends old and new. Thanks to my family who has been there consistently.
I do want to take a minute to share this thought - What is true strength. Society teaches us that the demonstrative, vocal and forceful person is truly strong. The one that takes no mess from anyone and who crushes anything and anyone who gets if their way forcing their will on the world. I would like to respectfully challenge and respectfully disagree. The truly strong person is the reserved one. The person who acts not out of anger or revenge and who refuses to let another dictate their response to a situation. The are humble and they are self controlled and often reserved.
In truth which are you and which person do you aspire to be - the one to devalues and belittles others or works to crush them to compensate for theirinternal lack thus allowing others to dictate their response and by default control them or the person who composes and restrains themselves such that they decide how and what level of response (if any) is appropriate.
Which version of strength and power do you aspire toward?
all have in common (this may take a while and is a long post and near the end I hope I have pulled it all together and would like to know your thoughts.)
Sex - so often the focus of many and for some a goal and a mean unto itself. Some would argue it is a powerful driving force and the reason many things happen in this society, some an evil and still others nothing more than a powerful tool designed to allow our species to survive via reproduction. BTW - I will add this personal editorial - I do not believe in race as it is often misused in our society because it implies various species and in nature different species cannot reproduce a Homosapian can not breed with a monkey or horse or bear because they are not the same species, people regardless of ethnic group are all members of the same species.
Ok, back to point - there has been much discussion of late on infidelity and sex in the media having listened and read so many comments I felt the need to comment. Growing up often I felt something was wrong with me because I did not have the same drive or libido of most and then it occurred to me that there was nothing wrong with me rather that as people we each are unique and there are people with whom sex or the urges is a focus of their life there are others with whom it matters little. This is no different than the fact I tend to be very analytical in my thoughts and approaches while there are some are more emotionally centered. No one is right and we should not try to change who we are to fit some preconceived mold of what others think we are.
Lets look at sex and fidelity and then tie it to business. Sex is a natural part of the human condition a drive and yet as people we have the intellect to make (albeit not without shortcoming or occasional failures) the ability to decide the people we will engage. it is a tool that while intended to continue our species also can either support, enhance and build trust or abused can decimate those same characteristic in a relationship. For some it is am outward expression of a person's feelings for their partner and for others it is a tool used simply for self gratification and its use is defined by the dominate characteristics of the people using it. That said lets explore this - often people put themselves in positions of high risk some knowingly because their thoughts are only of self gratification with no regard to the long term consequence or how their actions may affect the people involved with them on an intimate level (not to be confused with an assumed sexual involvement). Unless specified otherwise most people assume relationships to be exclusive and to become involved with others sexually is a violation of the trust placed in you as well as your ability to keep you r commitment. Heck, fact is for some their desire is the sex and short term gratification with little care of regard to the long term consequences it may have on the other people because it is not about the quality of the relationship but the quantity of the sexual encounters and the person who is the participant is not that important. For others it is a tool to they use (regardless of sex) to exploit and attempt to manipulate or control others. The first two focus on self and these with these in your mind I will transition to business.
Let me ask some rhetorical questions for you to consider:
Would you buy a car from a dealer who promised you a certain make and model and them sold it to someone one repeatedly?
Would to put your money in a bank who made a commitment to have your money available but each time to check the balance or tried to make a deposit or withdrawal found your funds were depleted because the bank thought a company trip or party was a better use of the money?
Would you take on a business partner who make commitments to you but each time you looked to them to deliver on the commitments they made they failed to deliver and yet found plenty of time to play or knock off but never any time to work?
Would you invest in an employee who thought as the emplyer it was your responbility to support with without them somehow contributing to the well being of the company?
As a comporation would you retain a desity manager who thought their job was to discourage the development of introduction of new business who spending the company money to attend conferences and entertain themselves?
Entrepreneurs understand one thing almost universally - the easy past, the fun and entertaining one often is rarely the best. Conforming to the lowest common denominator instead of striving to be and achieve the best in the best mutual benefit or all involved is at best counter productive at worst mutually destructive. Regardless of the application in one's personal or business life character (not pleasure) is what we appreciate and respect. Consider this - in your life who stands out - those people who agreed with everything you said and gave you everything you wanted or those who did and acted in your best interest even if sometimes that meant depriving you of (per your preconception of the time of an experience). A child feels heat and wants to stick their hand in a fire the adult knows the damage that can cause depending on exposure and discourages the action and too often for this the adult is chastised. Taking a different example while not getting to deeply religious Jesus Christ, Gandhi, Mohammad, Sun Tzu, Martin Luther, The Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King, and many others are remember and respected not for their ability to conform and blend in to the status quo but are respected because they strive to achieve something more and did not subscribe to conventional wisdom.
Can you name Romans who stood around in Christ's time telling him he was wrong?
Can you name the people who told Steve Jobs Apple was a pipe dream would never work?
Can you name the people who told Michael Dell the ideal will not work?
Can you name the people who laughed at Bill Gates and Microsoft?
Can you name the people who told Colin Powell he would never be a General?
Status quo is easy. Doing what everyone else does is easy. Following our instincts to think of self first with no regards to others is easy.
Let me close with this thoughts to tie it all together:
What do you think would have occured with Enron if instead of tring to exploit their customers, employees and investors they asked - how would this benfit the company long term and will this decision contribute to or take aware from the reputation and financial stability of the company long term?
What do you think would have happened with GM if they asked the question - how would this decision affect the company, it reputation and profitability and are we truly listening to and providing our customers with the goods and services they want?
What do you think would have happened with AIG if they adopted the attitude of we exist to bring value to the clients who entrust their moneys with use and lived up to their vision: To be the world’s first-choice provider of insurance and financial services. We will create unmatched value for our customers, colleagues, business partners and shareholders as we contribute to the growth of sustainable, prosperous communities.
Some more thoughts to consider:
How many times have to said something in anger and felt good at the moment only to realize in hindsight your action irreparably damaged and cost you a relationship?
How many times have you looked at a bigger house or a car and wanted that even (while extreme) cursing or bad mouthing the person who had them not even knowing if they could afford them while forgetting about the fact your needs were taken care of?
How many times have you begrudged the work that you had thinking this is beneath me or I am unhappy forgetting that you had your health, employment and the ability to do the work and earn some income (the dignity of honest labor)?
What do you think?
Is a relationship about personal gratifacation and explotation regardless of the cost or damage to the others involved so long as it allows a person to derive personal short term benefit and pleasure or to bring mutual benefit with effort to everyone involved to varying degrees?
Does a business exist to make money by exploit share holder, employees, and clients/customers or does it exist to create values, worth and wealth to varying degrees to all of this constituents?
Which is the the most constructive and sustainable?
So often people speak of leadership and being a leader and yet it seems so many confuse leadership with management. Simply worded your manage things and you lead as well as inspire people. Driving to the Carolinas MBE Summit I thought – what if I play with the word LEADER and using the letters highlight the characteristics of a leader.
A Leader is a person who is Loyal and who Labors to do what is in the best interest of his/her constituents. This person uses Enthusiasm to Ensure those who have placed their trust in them are served and their needs provided for while Encouraging and using every situation possible to Edify the Abilities of the people they serve and the others in leadership. He/She them to Achieve their Aspirations because their Actions focus on goals and being solution oriented is the method to best serve those represented. He/She is also Accountable to themselves, their constituents. The person is Devoted to the well being of the group (not self) and works to incorporate the thoughts and ideas of those being served. Dedication is the key for success and being focused on implementing the goals, vision and Direction for the betterment of the respective individuals and organizations. He or she makes sure that their conduct is Ethical at all times and words to conduct themselves in a professional manner such that their integrity can never be brought into question nor the inspiration of their intent. Finally this person is Responsive to the needs of others and treats all with the Respect and dignity they deserve while doing the best they can to Represent the people they lead and inspire.
Does anyone else have any thoughts they would like to share – please feel free to add your thoughts.
For years I have read many books on how to run and build a successful business. Some books say write a business plan, others talk about elaborate systems of control, even others speak of marketing.All of these are good but they do not speak to the core issues.
There is a saying the more things change the more they stay the same. Fact is what is takes to run and grow a business has not ever changed. Before discussing how to create a successful business let me explain simple why businesses fail.I will start with a simple truth – a business runs at an imbalance – that is it spends less money than it generates in revenue. An unsuccessful business spends more than it makes in revenue (to grow) or spends exactly what it makes. It really is that simple and that is why a business fails.
Some will tell you either grow or die and that to some extent is true however it is not the growth that is important rather it is the type of growth – is it natural and sustainable and balanced based on true business needs (like the cycle of nature) or is it forced, cabalistic an hostile in nature like (like a predator in an ecosystem with a limited source of food). The first can be maintained it is controlled the latter if left unchecked (i.e. driven by greed) will lead to the demise of an already fragile ecosystem and the eventual death of the business and all associated with it.
The underlying principles that determine the sustainability and success of your business have not changed since the beginning of time.
Without these three (3) basic ingredients a business will fail
Respect – seeing and understanding the value, contribution and importance of all things (people, facilities, equipment, contractors, suppliers, employees, clients, customers, etc) involved in the enterprise and maintaining or working to enhance or at a minimum maintain them.
Honesty – understanding your core values and strengths and providing a full disclosure to all involved so that they can made an educated determination as to your value and ability as well as remove any doubt regarding your being able to execute the terms of the agreement and knowing that if you cannot you will tell them
Trust – the obvious result of doing the first two.
When these characteristics are in place people can them rely on you to and trust you with their wellbeing because fact is in business you are hired to solve a problem and you do not do business with people you do not trust long term.
Sure a book will give you all of this great theory
Microeconomics
Macroeconomics
Business Ethics
Organizational Behavior
Financial Accounting
Managerial
Accounting
Sales and Marketing
Human Resources
Cash Accounting
Accrual Accounting
Leveraging
Business Ethnics
Supply and Demand
Strategic Planning
Business and Contract Law
Information Mapping
Manufacturing and Production
Operations Management
Statistics
Technology and Information Systems
And a host of other theories but as is always the case in the reality and truth of what is required is simple we as people make it complicated.
Have you considered how can the blind lead the blind. If the leader has no idea where they are going then what?
Remember the Hyundai assurance plan – loose you job they will pay for 6 months?
Now GM is saying they will do 8
Form is saying they will do 12
I have to wonder what Chrysler will say
On one level I appreciate what they are doing and yet on another I have to ask myself is this not more enabling behavior?
Is this designed to help people or is it a race to the bottom?
Is this the altruistic auto maker helping the consumer or another copy cat marketing plan to exploit the consumer and more cars?
How about this for a brilliant idea – manufacture cars people want instead of making a car and convincing the consumer to by. I drive a Ford and yet many in my family on both sides were diehard GM people. Why, because of our experiences with the respective brands – I have driven GM and was not impressed with their design aesthetics back them – very clumsy.As a business owner I remember talking with a few of my friends, fellow Dartmouth Exec Business Alum and peers joking about the fact that given a chance we could turn these companies around and yet we know they would not retain us to do so because what we would require and the changes we would make would be deemed to radical on an institutional level and radical organizational level.Any yet I know that neither I nor my friends will get a call or an email requesting our services.
Here is the lie that has been taught for years – the purpose of business is to make money – talk about ego and entitlement issues – WRONG!!!!!!!!!! Want to know the purpose of business – to provide a quality good or service to the end user what enhances the value and quality of their life in such a way they are willing to pay you for it! In my prime I had almost 10 people full and part time working for me and have at times like this had to contract down to me yet never was it about what the client/customer could do for me – rather what they needed. Bottom line is this simple truth of which we lost sight – a business exists to provide a needed good or service to solve a real consumer problem.
With all of this is mind and looking at the current financial problems in society – what is the answer?
Also, with the advent of the digital age and the eminent demise of the industrial age how had the business model changed?
With all of the things happening today this thought has been ringing in my head. I debated on whether to post because I know some will find offensive. It is my belief that most people operation emotionally at a 6-8 year old level from a maturity standpoint and further they have no concept or desire for things like accountability, responsibly, etc – their concerns only lie with how things affect them and have little regard to how what they do affects those around them.
Remember back in grade school and high school.
Do you remember how we used to act that them?
Do you remember how concerned with peer pressure and what other people thought?
Do you remember any of these lines?
If you loved me you would
If you were more of a woman you would
If you were more of a man you would
I dare you
Since you did not pick me I am not going to play
Call him/her I will listen on the other line
What you do not know cannot hurt you
There are so many other’s from our childhood but these are the ones that popped to mind the quickest. As a business owner and former corporate professional I am amazed to see that so many “adults” still operate emotionally on a child like level and lack integrity - they acutallly believe there is such a thing as situational ethics (a clear oxymoran)
J.J. Newberry was a trained federal agent, skilled in the art of deception detection. So when a witness to a shooting sat in front of him and tried to tell him that when she heard gunshots she didn't look, she just ran -- he knew she was lying.
How did Newberry reach this conclusion? The answer is by recognizing telltale signs that a person isn't being honest, like inconsistencies in a story, behavior that's different from a person's norm, or too much detail in an explanation.
While using these signs to catch a liar takes extensive training and practice, it's no longer only for authorities like Newberry. Now, the average person can become adept at identifying dishonesty, and it's not as hard as you might think. Experts tell WebMD the top 10 ways to let the truth be known.
Tip No. 1: Inconsistencies
"When you want to know if someone is lying, look for inconsistencies in what they are saying," says Newberry, who was a federal agent for 30 years and a police officer for five.
When the woman he was questioning said she ran and hid after hearing gunshots -- without looking -- Newberry saw the inconsistency immediately.
"There was something that just didn't fit," says Newberry. "She heard gunshots but she didn't look? I knew that was inconsistent with how a person would respond to a situation like that."
So when she wasn't paying attention, he banged on the table. She looked right at him.
"When a person hears a noise, it's a natural reaction to look toward it," Newberry tells WebMD. "I knew she heard those gunshots, looked in the direction from which they came, saw the shooter, and then ran."
Sure enough, he was right.
"Her story was just illogical," says Newberry. "And that's what you should look for when you're talking to someone who isn't being truthful. Are there inconsistencies that just don't fit?"
Tip No. 2: Ask the Unexpected
"About 4% of people are accomplished liars and they can do it well," says Newberry. "But because there are no Pinocchio responses to a lie, you have to catch them in it."
Sir Walter Scott put it best: "Oh what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive!" But how can you a catch a person in his own web of lies?
"Watch them carefully," says Newberry. "And then when they don't expect it, ask them one question that they are not prepared to answer to trip them up."
Tip No. 3: Gauge Against a Baseline
"One of the most important indicators of dishonesty is changes in behavior," says Maureen O'Sullivan, PhD, a professor of psychology at the University of San Francisco. "You want to pay attention to someone who is generally anxious, but now looks calm. Or, someone who is generally calm but now looks anxious."
The trick, explains O'Sullivan, is to gauge their behavior against a baseline. Is a person's behavior falling away from how they would normally act? If it is, that could mean that something is up.
Tip No. 4: Look for Insincere Emotions
"Most people can't fake smile," says O'Sullivan. "The timing will be wrong, it will be held too long, or it will be blended with other things. Maybe it will be a combination of an angry face with a smile; you can tell because their lips are smaller and less full than in a sincere smile."
These fake emotions are a good indicator that something has gone afoul.
Tip No. 5: Pay Attention to Gut Reactions
"People say, 'Oh, it was a gut reaction or women's intuition,' but what I think they are picking up on are the deviations of true emotions," O'Sullivan tells WebMD.
While an average person might not know what it is he's seeing when he thinks someone isn't being honest and attribute his suspicion to instinct, a scientist would be able to pinpoint it exactly -- which leads us to tip no. 6.
Tip No. 6: Watch for Microexpressions
When Joe Schmo has a gut feeling, Paul Ekman, a renowned expert in lie detection, sees microexpressions.
"A microexpression is a very brief expression, usually about a 25th of a second, that is always a concealed emotion," says Ekman, PhD, professor emeritus of psychology at the University of California Medical School in San Francisco.
So when a person is acting happy, but in actuality is really upset about something, for instance, his true emotion will be revealed in a subconscious flash of anger on his face. Whether the concealed emotion is fear, anger, happiness, or jealousy, that feeling will appear on the face in the blink of an eye. The trick is to see it.
"Almost everyone -- 99% of those we've tested in about 10,000 people -- won't see them," says Ekman. "But it can be taught."
In fact, in less than an hour, the average person can learn to see microexpressions.
Tip No. 7: Look for Contradictions
"The general rule is anything that a person does with their voice or their gesture that doesn't fit the words they are saying can indicate a lie," says Ekman. "For example, this is going to sound amazing, but it is true. Sometimes when people are lying and saying, 'Yes, she's the one that took the money,' they will without knowing it make a slight head shake 'no.' That's a gesture and it completely contradicts what they're saying in words."
These contradictions, explains Ekman, can be between the voice and the words, the gesture and the voice, the gesture and the words, or the face and the words.
"It's some aspect of demeanor that is contradicting another aspect," Ekman tells WebMD.
Tip No. 8: A Sense of Unease
"When someone isn't making eye contact and that's against how they normally act, it can mean they're not being honest," says Jenn Berman, PhD, a psychologist in private practice. "They look away, they're sweating, they look uneasy ... anything that isn't normal and indicatesanxiety."
Tip No. 9: Too Much Detail
"When you say to someone, 'Oh, where were you?' and they say, 'I went to the store and I needed to get eggs and milk and sugar and I almost hit a dog so I had to go slow,' and on and on, they're giving you too much detail," says Berman.
Too much detail could mean they've put a lot of thought into how they're going to get out of a situation and they've crafted a complicated lie as a solution.
Tip No. 10: Don't Ignore the Truth
"It's more important to recognize when someone is telling the truth than telling a lie because people can look like they're lying but be telling truth," says Newberry.
While it sounds confusing, finding the truth buried under a lie can sometimes help find the answer to an important question: Why is a person lying?
These 10 truth tips, experts agree, all help detect deception. What they don't do is tell you why a person is lying and what the lie means.
"Microexpressions don't tell you the reason," says Ekman. "They just tell you what the concealed emotion is and that there is an emotion being concealed."
When you think someone is lying, you have to either know the person well enough to understand why he or she might lie, or be a people expert.
"You can see a microexpression, but you have to have more social-emotional intelligence on people to use it accurately," says O'Sullivan. "You have to be a good judge of people to understand what it means."
Extra Tip: Be Trusting
"In general we have a choice about which stance we take in life," says Ekman. "If we take a suspicious stance life is not going to be too pleasant, but we won't get misled very often. If we take a trusting stance, life is going to be a lot more pleasant but sometimes we are going to be taken in. As a parent or a friend, you're much better off being trusting rather than looking for lies all the time."
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